Flaws are a good place to begin.

We all have them. So maybe being vocal about them makes their impact (perceived or actual) a little less punchy.

Maybe not. Here goes.

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I am the type of person who leaves dishes in the sink, not for other people to wash up, but because I want them to soak or am too tired to deal with them right now.

I tend not to reply to messages or calls immediately (unless we’re already back-and-forthing) because I like to let your words percolate. Other times I just don’t have the energy to write you a decent reply. And I’m trying to be more mindful in that regard. Sometimes I’m just tired of not being able to talk to you in person.

I cannot tolerate insincerity or inauthentic people. My detector for bullshit is always on high alert (I sometimes even catch myself with this one).

Sometimes I’ll second-guess myself because your opinion sounds/looks/feels better. Then I think, “Hm, no.”

There is a level of intensity with which I sometimes interact with people – without the intention of being so intense – and it scares them. I don’t mean to do it. It just happens. Just as we ramble, the intensity kind of comes out of me and lands on our interaction. Yeah.

I think things sometimes that scare me. It scares me because it’s an internal monologue that won’t shut up when I most need it to. I’m learning to tell it that it’s not the be-all and end-all. Being aware of that internal monologue is definitely a step in the right direction, it’ll just take some time to master.

At times, I find with liquid-ease that I am able to lie through my teeth. I don’t know why or where I picked it up from but it’s not cool. This is also something that scares me.

It’s easy for my actions + words to come across as arrogant. For this, I am so genuinely sorry. I’m trying not to be that arrogant/bitch/narky person.

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How do you feel about me so far? I’m somewhat concerned that this post is painting me in a bad light. I guess that’s what I’m trying to break from by saying all of these things…

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Which leads me to say that it concerns me sometimes that others don’t see me how I see myself. I sometimes worry that people won’t see my sincerity or my love or my fears because they are masked by things such as “putting on a happy face” and being a weird little individual. Everyone likes to believe they are a good judge of character – after all, it comes down to trusting your intuition.

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But… it doesn’t truly bother me how you perceive me.
Because that’s all on you. Your intuition.
The only thing I implore you to do is to listen.

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When we listen, we quiet our inner critic and our flaw-finding tendencies. When we listen, we also unlearn our prejudices and can connect with ease and from a place of authenticity.

To be truthful, I’m disappointed with myself at present because I feel like I’m not being as honest as I intended; for fear of being too open, of saying too much, of losing some of myself in the process, whatever. I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m subconsciously hoping that you are truly listening. I guess what I’m saying is that we all find it hard to be vulnerable in certain settings. Vulnerability. More on that at a later date.

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We are a flawed species with many a complex, and I get the impression that as we embrace + expose these flaws, we are opening ourselves up to feel deeper connection and realise our truths. At the end of the day, it’s okay to be flawed. It’s also okay to accept your deep-rooted flaws – and it’s even better when you work on the more fluid ones.

Love,
– PH

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